Hi, I’m RaVae, a food addict.
Please look over the questions below to see if you are a food addict like me. If you say yes to three or more of the questions, then you are probably like me and the good news is you’re not alone. When I began 19 years ago, the answer to every one of the questions for me was yes!
Do you have more than an occasional episode of binge eating?
Yes, i binged all the time. The only time i did not binge was when i was sleeping then I dreamed about it.
Do you eat when you’re not physically hungry?
Physically hungry i don't think i have ever been really, really hungry in my life, but I alway felt like I was starving
Do you feel disgusted with yourself and/or guilt and shame after binging?
Disgusted every night when i went to sleep I prayed to not wake up.
Do you generally feel depressed?
Yes, i was either on the ceiling or in the toilet.
Do you isolate to eat?
Boy, did I, I considered me, myself and I a party of three.
Do you frequently attempt to lose weight and fail?
I tried every diet i ever hear of.
Do you eat large amounts of food throughout the day?
I could eat and eat and eat and eat, the eat some more.
Do you eat much more rapidly than others?
i even had people comment on how fast i ate.
Do you continue eating when stuffed?
Feeling stuffed just meant go lay down tell you can eat more.
At any given time, over a million people are on a diet or starting one. I used to be included in that million, but my diets did not last long. My best diet efforts only lasted until I reached my goal weight. For the last 19 years, I have not been on even one ‘die-----it’ now I’m on a live----it,’ a new way of living.
During my compulsive eating days, I tried everything. You name it; I tried it, spending thousands of dollars along the way. That’s why I’m writing this, in hopes that my 52-year journey (33 years in the food and 19 years out of the food) can help others avoid many of the mistakes I made. I feel that being in the food for 33 years and now having just past my 19th anniversary out of the food makes me somewhat of an expert. Here I will share with you some of the many of the truths I have learned that have made it possible for me to stay out of the food for the past 19 years or 6,935 days. (Keep in mind it all started with one day.) If you keep reading, maybe your life can become a “live-----it,” too . . . What I have learned over the last 19 years is how to take my life back, that’s not quite true, I’ve learned how to get a life! My obsession with food started so early, and I believe that it denied me a “real” life until after I started my food journey 19 years ago.
A little about me
As far back as my memories go (I‘m 52 so that’s a lot of memories), it
seems like I have always been obsessed with food, especially sugar. I have just one strong, foodless memory. I was walking with a girlfriend on a railroad track when I was about seven, and there were no food thoughts, just a carefree, happy feeling that should be associated with being with my best friend. But most, if not all of my other memories have food thoughts “sandwiched” in there somewhere.
When I was eight I was in Girl Scouts. My favorite part of Girl Scouts was the yearly cookie sale. I would stuff myself until I was sick and then I would eat some more. That’s one thing that separates me from normal eaters; when they get full, they stop. For me, getting full is a trigger to eat more. Most people say they have a favorite Girl Scout cookie, but which ever one I was stuffing myself with at the moment was my favorite.
My daughter was in Girl Scouts also, and one year I was a drop off point for the cookies (What was I thinking? I’m sure the food addict inside me was pondering all the fun she was going to have persuading me to eat all those cookies). When it came time to return them and pay for what was sold, I was over $100.00 short. I didn’t think I had eaten that many, but my memories get a little hazy when it comes to food amounts.
My holiday season pig out started a month before Halloween and lasted until after Easter. I can remember many Halloweens when all my good candy was gone by the day after. Now if you’re like me, you have no doubt what I mean by the good candy; visions of it are dancing through your head at this exact moment. Many, if not all of you, not only have the picture, but you’re obsessing over the taste of those favorites also. If that is the case my web site just might be able to help you. I have been away from the sweets for so long now that I can remember most of the foods that loved me too much but I can no longer remember the taste. But, one bite and it would all be back! What I’m doing right now by sharing with you is insurance against that first bite which would take me back into food hell.
Going to restaurants, especially with others, used to be so embarrassing. I was always done way before everyone else, even when I tried to eat slowly. Sometimes others would even make comments about how fast I ate. They would say things like, "Are you done already?” or “Boy, you eat fast!” It would make me feel such shame. But I really did not have the power to eat slowly.
.
When I was in high school I dieted constantly, I never felt like I belonged, I was forever fighting to stay out of the food jumping from one crazy diet to another. I was so out of step, so lost. I think of high school as a song, one that everyone but me knew backwards and forwards. For me, if I knew the tune, I didn’t know the words and if I knew the words, I didn’t know the tune, It would have been easier for me, if I had not known the tune or the words then I would not have been aware of how out of step I was. I would go home after school and dive into the food. I would eat things like cake mix, mixed with only water, squirting anything sweet I could find down my throat. I was the biggest cookie monster. I would make cookies and start eating the batter, when it only consisted of butter and sugar. I would have to make a double batch in order to have any to bake. Then I would eat most of those before they even cooled.
The more full I became, the more I wanted to eat. I was involved in a never-ending search for the magic food that would fill the empty spot inside me. I could never get enough. I would eat until I was sick, then pass out and wake up and eat some more. I’ve never in my whole life tasted anything that was too rich for me; I could always eat tons of anything.
I think it would have been easier to be an alcoholic, than a food addict. With alcohol, to get sober you just take all the booze out of your house and don’t touch it anymore. Now, I know it’s not really that easy but at least I wouldn’t have to take the tiger out of the cage three times a day and pray it won’t bite me. With the food I can’t just quit eating, people have to eat. At every meal, I use to feel I was playing with a tiger and pleading with it not to take off my hand. I have too many memories of setting on my couch after finishing a box or bag of XXXX (you add your favorite) crying, wanting to stop eating but knowing I was going to eat anyway and there was nothing I could do about it.
Drive-thru places were a favorite of the food addict part of me. I would go there and order enough food for a party. Of course, I had to order extra drinks so they wouldn’t know I was the only one attending the party. Then I would sit in my car crying and eating the food with the wrappers all around me (some kind of party, huh?) My car would get so cruddy from all the food. I remember being anxious whenever I had to stick my hands down between the seats for fear of what I would find. Needless to say, the car was a pigsty.
I knew that food played an important role in my life. I was even willing to admit that many times it was number one and often controlled me. I remember one of my last binges, maybe my last, like I said earlier my memory around food is oftentimes hazy. I was taking a class at the local college. I weighed over 200 lbs at the time, and was getting ready to take the 20-minute drive home. I was hungry. I was always hungry, and needed a little something to tide me over until I could get home for lunch so I decided to buy a large two scoop ice cream cone (the thought of a single never entered my mind. That only lasted for the first third of the drive. Then I stopped at another fast food place and ordered a burger, fries and a “diet pop.” Now, how I thought diet pop was going to help, I don’t know. While I was waiting for it to be prepared, which seemed like an eternity, I went next door to the little grocery store and purchased a couple of candy bars to help me make it until my meal was done. At this point, my memory became hazy as it often did during binges, so I don’t remember if I ate more or not.
From about the ages of 13 to 33, when I started my food recovery, all my waking and many of my sleeping hours were spent in a life threatening battle between primarily two thoughts: one is how to get food, and the other how to stay away from it. For me, one was just as dangerous as the other because both blocked out what life is really about, which is those I love.
Now join me as I share about my recovery
One of the first things I had to come to terms with was that most, if not all, of what I was doing with my food was not working. My food life was unmanageable. Food was controlling me; it was my master. Later I came to know that most of my life, not just the food, was not being managed very well.
In the beginning of my journey, I thought I was fighting myself, and I had to stop myself from wanting to eat everything that was not locked away. Then I realized that I was not fighting myself, but my food addict. I really wanted to eat healthy and be a normal size and not spend every waking hour thinking of food. I was letting my addict rob me of everything that "could" have been precious to me... my health, my family and my life.
At first, I even felt sorry for her because , I thought, she felt she would die if she did not eat, eat, and eat. Then I started wondering why I was feeling sorry for my addict (which I choose to call her) when what she wanted was for me to suffer and ultimately die. Believe me, if I had continued the way I was, that’s what would have happened.
,
When I was in the food, I was like the ball in the pinball machine, but I did not realize it until I was out of the food. I really was exactly like that ball, which does not have a life and neither did I. I was being controlled and at the whim of whatever was going on around me, just like that ball is at the mercy of the “pinball wizard.” I never acted on anything; all I did was re-act to things. During that time I thought I had a life, but in hindsight, I see I was just being propelled by whatever was going on in my life. This wasn’t any way to live. I feel like I’m one of the lucky ones since through trial and error, I found the way out. If you’ll let me, maybe I can help you skip some of the trial and error and benefit from what I have learned over the last 19 years.
This is what my life looked like at that time. I would diet, get smaller, and go buy new clothes (but the only time the clothes would fit was when I was in the dressing room). Two minutes after I left the dressing room, I would be on my way back up and the clothes would not fit anymore. (I would keep the clothes for a few months anticipating weight loss, then finally give the like-new clothes to a second had store. Now I shop at second hand stores buying those nearly new clothes I used to give away.
One day a friend of mine (who was doing the “WW” weight program) and I were in the faculty room when someone came in eating a candy bar (one of my favorite kinds). Little did I know until later that day that we had both in our own ways interacted with that candy bar. When I saw her at the end of the day, she said,” I have thought of nothing but that candy bar every since I saw it this morning.” I thought to myself, “I haven’t.” This is what I did, that she evidently didn’t do: as soon as I saw the candy bar my mind immediately started running a tape of how many candy bars I would have to eat to be satisfied, remembering one is too many and a million is never enough. One of the tools I use to keep from feeling denied or sorry for what I don’t choose to eat anymore is to keep a lot of videos filed away in my brain containing skits of what my life used to be like when I was in the food. One of my favorite videos is a semi-truck pulling up with millions of candy bars in it with my name emblazed on the side because, as I said before, one is too many and a million is never enough. This is the tape I ran when I saw that person with one of my favorite candy bars.
One spring, a few years into my food recovery journey, it seemed like every single person in town had planted twice as many flowers as ever before. It was one of the most breathtaking sites! I went around all that spring just amazed at how beautiful my world was becoming. Up until this moment I had been so into the food that all this was hidden from me. I hadn’t been able to see the forest for the trees because of the food. Just maybe, I can help you see the flowers in your town.
As I said earlier I am 52 and so excited about the next 50 years of my life. I plan on living to at least 100. This is from a person who felt she had to lie about her age from 33 to 39 because she was scared of getting old. My recovery journey has given me a life and a body that I could only have dreamed of, one that I don’t mind getting older with.
I’d be ashamed to tell you how many hundreds of dollars I’ve spent on weight loss programs that did not work for me. I’m not here to put down these programs since they work for many of my slightly over weight friends (Oh, how I hated them) who put on an extra 10 to 15 lbs over the years, but for food addicts like me, they just don’t work.
My journey has not been a quick fix, but I feel like I have won the jackpot lottery and it just might be a forever fix. It’s pretty simple but by no way easy. I had to be willing to make recovery a priority in my life in order to be where I am now.
Food addicts are some of the most intelligent people I have ever known. I believe that the same gene that brings addiction also has something to do with genius. We just have to find the balance.
Please look over the questions below to see if you are a food addict like me. If you say yes to three or more of the questions, then you are probably like me and the good news is you’re not alone. When I began 19 years ago, the answer to every one of the questions for me was yes!
Do you have more than an occasional episode of binge eating?
Yes, i binged all the time. The only time i did not binge was when i was sleeping then I dreamed about it.
Do you eat when you’re not physically hungry?
Physically hungry i don't think i have ever been really, really hungry in my life, but I alway felt like I was starving
Do you feel disgusted with yourself and/or guilt and shame after binging?
Disgusted every night when i went to sleep I prayed to not wake up.
Do you generally feel depressed?
Yes, i was either on the ceiling or in the toilet.
Do you isolate to eat?
Boy, did I, I considered me, myself and I a party of three.
Do you frequently attempt to lose weight and fail?
I tried every diet i ever hear of.
Do you eat large amounts of food throughout the day?
I could eat and eat and eat and eat, the eat some more.
Do you eat much more rapidly than others?
i even had people comment on how fast i ate.
Do you continue eating when stuffed?
Feeling stuffed just meant go lay down tell you can eat more.
At any given time, over a million people are on a diet or starting one. I used to be included in that million, but my diets did not last long. My best diet efforts only lasted until I reached my goal weight. For the last 19 years, I have not been on even one ‘die-----it’ now I’m on a live----it,’ a new way of living.
During my compulsive eating days, I tried everything. You name it; I tried it, spending thousands of dollars along the way. That’s why I’m writing this, in hopes that my 52-year journey (33 years in the food and 19 years out of the food) can help others avoid many of the mistakes I made. I feel that being in the food for 33 years and now having just past my 19th anniversary out of the food makes me somewhat of an expert. Here I will share with you some of the many of the truths I have learned that have made it possible for me to stay out of the food for the past 19 years or 6,935 days. (Keep in mind it all started with one day.) If you keep reading, maybe your life can become a “live-----it,” too . . . What I have learned over the last 19 years is how to take my life back, that’s not quite true, I’ve learned how to get a life! My obsession with food started so early, and I believe that it denied me a “real” life until after I started my food journey 19 years ago.
A little about me
As far back as my memories go (I‘m 52 so that’s a lot of memories), it
seems like I have always been obsessed with food, especially sugar. I have just one strong, foodless memory. I was walking with a girlfriend on a railroad track when I was about seven, and there were no food thoughts, just a carefree, happy feeling that should be associated with being with my best friend. But most, if not all of my other memories have food thoughts “sandwiched” in there somewhere.
When I was eight I was in Girl Scouts. My favorite part of Girl Scouts was the yearly cookie sale. I would stuff myself until I was sick and then I would eat some more. That’s one thing that separates me from normal eaters; when they get full, they stop. For me, getting full is a trigger to eat more. Most people say they have a favorite Girl Scout cookie, but which ever one I was stuffing myself with at the moment was my favorite.
My daughter was in Girl Scouts also, and one year I was a drop off point for the cookies (What was I thinking? I’m sure the food addict inside me was pondering all the fun she was going to have persuading me to eat all those cookies). When it came time to return them and pay for what was sold, I was over $100.00 short. I didn’t think I had eaten that many, but my memories get a little hazy when it comes to food amounts.
My holiday season pig out started a month before Halloween and lasted until after Easter. I can remember many Halloweens when all my good candy was gone by the day after. Now if you’re like me, you have no doubt what I mean by the good candy; visions of it are dancing through your head at this exact moment. Many, if not all of you, not only have the picture, but you’re obsessing over the taste of those favorites also. If that is the case my web site just might be able to help you. I have been away from the sweets for so long now that I can remember most of the foods that loved me too much but I can no longer remember the taste. But, one bite and it would all be back! What I’m doing right now by sharing with you is insurance against that first bite which would take me back into food hell.
Going to restaurants, especially with others, used to be so embarrassing. I was always done way before everyone else, even when I tried to eat slowly. Sometimes others would even make comments about how fast I ate. They would say things like, "Are you done already?” or “Boy, you eat fast!” It would make me feel such shame. But I really did not have the power to eat slowly.
.
When I was in high school I dieted constantly, I never felt like I belonged, I was forever fighting to stay out of the food jumping from one crazy diet to another. I was so out of step, so lost. I think of high school as a song, one that everyone but me knew backwards and forwards. For me, if I knew the tune, I didn’t know the words and if I knew the words, I didn’t know the tune, It would have been easier for me, if I had not known the tune or the words then I would not have been aware of how out of step I was. I would go home after school and dive into the food. I would eat things like cake mix, mixed with only water, squirting anything sweet I could find down my throat. I was the biggest cookie monster. I would make cookies and start eating the batter, when it only consisted of butter and sugar. I would have to make a double batch in order to have any to bake. Then I would eat most of those before they even cooled.
The more full I became, the more I wanted to eat. I was involved in a never-ending search for the magic food that would fill the empty spot inside me. I could never get enough. I would eat until I was sick, then pass out and wake up and eat some more. I’ve never in my whole life tasted anything that was too rich for me; I could always eat tons of anything.
I think it would have been easier to be an alcoholic, than a food addict. With alcohol, to get sober you just take all the booze out of your house and don’t touch it anymore. Now, I know it’s not really that easy but at least I wouldn’t have to take the tiger out of the cage three times a day and pray it won’t bite me. With the food I can’t just quit eating, people have to eat. At every meal, I use to feel I was playing with a tiger and pleading with it not to take off my hand. I have too many memories of setting on my couch after finishing a box or bag of XXXX (you add your favorite) crying, wanting to stop eating but knowing I was going to eat anyway and there was nothing I could do about it.
Drive-thru places were a favorite of the food addict part of me. I would go there and order enough food for a party. Of course, I had to order extra drinks so they wouldn’t know I was the only one attending the party. Then I would sit in my car crying and eating the food with the wrappers all around me (some kind of party, huh?) My car would get so cruddy from all the food. I remember being anxious whenever I had to stick my hands down between the seats for fear of what I would find. Needless to say, the car was a pigsty.
I knew that food played an important role in my life. I was even willing to admit that many times it was number one and often controlled me. I remember one of my last binges, maybe my last, like I said earlier my memory around food is oftentimes hazy. I was taking a class at the local college. I weighed over 200 lbs at the time, and was getting ready to take the 20-minute drive home. I was hungry. I was always hungry, and needed a little something to tide me over until I could get home for lunch so I decided to buy a large two scoop ice cream cone (the thought of a single never entered my mind. That only lasted for the first third of the drive. Then I stopped at another fast food place and ordered a burger, fries and a “diet pop.” Now, how I thought diet pop was going to help, I don’t know. While I was waiting for it to be prepared, which seemed like an eternity, I went next door to the little grocery store and purchased a couple of candy bars to help me make it until my meal was done. At this point, my memory became hazy as it often did during binges, so I don’t remember if I ate more or not.
From about the ages of 13 to 33, when I started my food recovery, all my waking and many of my sleeping hours were spent in a life threatening battle between primarily two thoughts: one is how to get food, and the other how to stay away from it. For me, one was just as dangerous as the other because both blocked out what life is really about, which is those I love.
Now join me as I share about my recovery
One of the first things I had to come to terms with was that most, if not all, of what I was doing with my food was not working. My food life was unmanageable. Food was controlling me; it was my master. Later I came to know that most of my life, not just the food, was not being managed very well.
In the beginning of my journey, I thought I was fighting myself, and I had to stop myself from wanting to eat everything that was not locked away. Then I realized that I was not fighting myself, but my food addict. I really wanted to eat healthy and be a normal size and not spend every waking hour thinking of food. I was letting my addict rob me of everything that "could" have been precious to me... my health, my family and my life.
At first, I even felt sorry for her because , I thought, she felt she would die if she did not eat, eat, and eat. Then I started wondering why I was feeling sorry for my addict (which I choose to call her) when what she wanted was for me to suffer and ultimately die. Believe me, if I had continued the way I was, that’s what would have happened.
,
When I was in the food, I was like the ball in the pinball machine, but I did not realize it until I was out of the food. I really was exactly like that ball, which does not have a life and neither did I. I was being controlled and at the whim of whatever was going on around me, just like that ball is at the mercy of the “pinball wizard.” I never acted on anything; all I did was re-act to things. During that time I thought I had a life, but in hindsight, I see I was just being propelled by whatever was going on in my life. This wasn’t any way to live. I feel like I’m one of the lucky ones since through trial and error, I found the way out. If you’ll let me, maybe I can help you skip some of the trial and error and benefit from what I have learned over the last 19 years.
This is what my life looked like at that time. I would diet, get smaller, and go buy new clothes (but the only time the clothes would fit was when I was in the dressing room). Two minutes after I left the dressing room, I would be on my way back up and the clothes would not fit anymore. (I would keep the clothes for a few months anticipating weight loss, then finally give the like-new clothes to a second had store. Now I shop at second hand stores buying those nearly new clothes I used to give away.
One day a friend of mine (who was doing the “WW” weight program) and I were in the faculty room when someone came in eating a candy bar (one of my favorite kinds). Little did I know until later that day that we had both in our own ways interacted with that candy bar. When I saw her at the end of the day, she said,” I have thought of nothing but that candy bar every since I saw it this morning.” I thought to myself, “I haven’t.” This is what I did, that she evidently didn’t do: as soon as I saw the candy bar my mind immediately started running a tape of how many candy bars I would have to eat to be satisfied, remembering one is too many and a million is never enough. One of the tools I use to keep from feeling denied or sorry for what I don’t choose to eat anymore is to keep a lot of videos filed away in my brain containing skits of what my life used to be like when I was in the food. One of my favorite videos is a semi-truck pulling up with millions of candy bars in it with my name emblazed on the side because, as I said before, one is too many and a million is never enough. This is the tape I ran when I saw that person with one of my favorite candy bars.
One spring, a few years into my food recovery journey, it seemed like every single person in town had planted twice as many flowers as ever before. It was one of the most breathtaking sites! I went around all that spring just amazed at how beautiful my world was becoming. Up until this moment I had been so into the food that all this was hidden from me. I hadn’t been able to see the forest for the trees because of the food. Just maybe, I can help you see the flowers in your town.
As I said earlier I am 52 and so excited about the next 50 years of my life. I plan on living to at least 100. This is from a person who felt she had to lie about her age from 33 to 39 because she was scared of getting old. My recovery journey has given me a life and a body that I could only have dreamed of, one that I don’t mind getting older with.
I’d be ashamed to tell you how many hundreds of dollars I’ve spent on weight loss programs that did not work for me. I’m not here to put down these programs since they work for many of my slightly over weight friends (Oh, how I hated them) who put on an extra 10 to 15 lbs over the years, but for food addicts like me, they just don’t work.
My journey has not been a quick fix, but I feel like I have won the jackpot lottery and it just might be a forever fix. It’s pretty simple but by no way easy. I had to be willing to make recovery a priority in my life in order to be where I am now.
Food addicts are some of the most intelligent people I have ever known. I believe that the same gene that brings addiction also has something to do with genius. We just have to find the balance.
Hope my journey and what I have learned benefits you.
RaVae
